Where the hell have you been!

I’ll bloody tell you where, I’ve been at the flat scrubbing mould of Uncle Dave’s guitar amp! Yes it is yours Dave, I’m positive, but I’ll keep hold of it for the time being.

Regardless of ownership, the reason it’s mouldy is because the mould demons in the house have decided that guitar amps are the next things that should be mouldy. You may think hoodies, car valet kits, camping chairs, cupboards and stereo speakers are more likely to be the target of said mould demons, and yes you’re right they are and have been targeted by the demons, so they’ve moved onto guitar amps.

But I’ve thwarted the bastards for now with the repeated application of disinfectant and mould killer via the application of the Waitrose essentials jcloth – also useful for wiping Rat poo off ladders and small houses. The rats are pets by the way, we don’t have mould and rats. Just mould.

So anyway, we’re moving out of our mouldy flat as we’ve found a lovely little bungalow with a loft and walk in wardrobes and a bigger living room and a private garden with a little shed and tings like dat innit, which will hopefully remain mould free until I can buy myself a lovely big mould free mansion.

If I could offer you one piece of advice that I’ve learnt from living in a flat that refuses to stop producing mould, it would be don’t believe damp proofing agencies or council health and safety “experts”. And why you ask (or don’t, but I’ll tell you anyway), well I’ll tell you!! ( See I told you I’d tell you). I will inform you as to why via the gift of a simulated conversation based on a number of real conversations I’ve had recently

Pete: “Loads of stuff in the flat has gone mouldy despite us cleaning the falt, airing the falt, dehumidifying the flat and airing the flat”

1 of many morons: “Do you wash your clothes and hang them out to dry”

Pete: “Yes, like I’ve done in all the properties I’ve ever lived in, and like all the other people in the world with a home do. The difference being with those falts, my speakers haven’t gone mouldy before”

1OMM: “Right, we’ll send someone round to have a look”

… some time passes…

1OMM: “Well the walls are all dry, except that bit, which has been re-plaster”

Pete: “What about the floor. The moudliest things have been standing on the floor”

1OMM: “Well the walls are dry, so the floor can’t be damp, as the damp would have to go through the floor to get to the walls, which aren’t damp!.”

Pete: “Things on the FLOOR go mouldy. That mould then spreads through the air. Then other things on the floor go mouldy”

1OMM: “Yes, but the walls are dry. Also, becuase you wash your clothes, and have windows, and breath, and perspire, you’ve made the flat go mouldy”

… more time passes…

Pete: “I’m moving out”

1OMM: “Fine. IN the meantime, we’ll install really expensive equipment to dry out the flat… not that there’s a problem with it though”.

So anyway, I’ve had a bit of a rough few months, which have also included a poorly baby for about 2 weeks, which came during my recovery from my hernia so I couldn’t help Mrs Skeater very much, so we had many sleepless nights worrying about things going mouldy while the baby got upset because she was poorly.

But we’ll be moving soon to a nicer place, and I’ve got new jeans on which are lovely, from ROAD

Now before I leave you I’ll leave you with another little rant. Please, excuse my language, but as Stephen Fry says “The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or of a lack of verbal interest is just fucking lunatic“. So deal with it.

I listen to the Radio 1 Chart Show with Reggie Yates on a weekly basis, and a lot of the songs in it I enjoy. A lot of the songs in it are like poly filler, they just hold the chart together and fill in the gaps. You don’t really notice them, they don’t bother you, but they need to be there.

Then the rest of the songs ARE FUCKING BOLLOCKS!!

Let me get pissed off about them.

First of all, Mark “I’m totally cool because of how cool I am and have made myself cool” Ronson and his stupid bicycle song.

“I ride my bike until I get home” – repeated about 4,000,000 times until the aural pollution has driven you insane, accompanied by some jolly bells.

Maybe I’m missing something, maybe there’s some super special meaning behind the sentence “I ride my bike until I get home”, but the song is so dull and boring it forces my brain to grind to a halt and weep away like a depressed jelly, leaving me to drive my car until I get home in a miserable state of mind. So I don’t have the effort to search for a deeper meaning to that stupid lyric. I ride my back, until I get home. So, ole’ Marky boy, is at some location, and he’s going home, on his bike, and when he gets there, he stops. Fuck. Me. That’s incredible. What are the alternatives “I ride my bike until I get knocked off… I ride my bike but continue past my home because I just can’t face my wife today… I ride my bike intending to stop at home, but realise we’ve got no milk so have to continue on past home, go to the Co-op, and then spin around and ride my bike until eventually I get home, after the milk fiasco.”

If there is some super special deep meaning to the song… couldn’t Mr Ronson and his international businessmen have hired someone to write something a bit more poetic.

Next up on my chart of stupid bloody lyrics for morons, is Flo’ Rida and “Club can’t handle me”, produced by David Getta. I’m not going to talk about their stupid names, that’s been done before. I’m going to talk about this piss poor lyrics, or in particular this line…

“The club can’t even handle me right now”

What the shit does that mean? I have a really problem when a song has words chucked in just to make a line “fit”. It’s the “right now” and mostly the “even” that bother me.

Is he saying:

“The establishment that I am in cannot even cope with MY presence at the current time, let alone the influx of guests coming through the door. They’ll have to wait until more staff arrive, I suppose it’s just too early in the evening for this many people”

Or does he mean:

“This venue is not suited and/or prepared enough for the particular activities that I am indulging in, at least not at this precise time. Perhaps returning at a later time would be a more suitable idea”

Perhaps this:

“The club hasn’t fitted a wheel chair ramp yet, I’ll pop back in a week and see if they’ve installed it yet”

WHAT THE HELL DOES HE MEAN! Why does he say “even”, they can’t EVEN handle him LET ALONE WHATEVER ELSE COMES AFTER HANDLING SOMEONE!!! Washing your hands? You wash you hands after handling meat, maybe he means they can’t even touch him because the club hasn’t got any soap in the bathrooms or they’ve run out of hand sanitizer!!

I guess he’s trying to say, “I’m too cool for this club”, and maybe he’s saying “The club’s a bit empty for me now, it’ll fill up later and be cool enough for me then”…

BUT WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY “EVEN” HANDLE ME!!! WHAT IS WORSE THAN HANDLING SOMEONE? WHAT DOES THE CLUB NEED TO PREPARE FOR!!

Well I think I’ve ranted for long enough.

If I made spelling or grammar mistakes, therefore weakening my arguments somewhat, then leave a comment and I’ll sort ‘em out.

Ooh I’ve gone all sweaty. I’d better do some work.

Skeater – Not riding his bike anywhere, and certainly not anywhere that’s not prepared for him at the time he is due to arrive.


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